And The Oscar Goes To...

Currently Listening to:

The Scientist by Coldplay

There are two things wrong with this blog. The first is that it was never meant to be a diary, and yet it is. The second is that, because I'm trying to make this a "not-diary", I don't write half of what I feel. So what no one can see is my progression, my transformation. My self-realization.

I guess it hasn't been that long since I started blogging. And there's not much that I can write about that sets me apart from anyone else. Most every teen blogger writes emotionally about their day, their stress. And while our similar thoughts makes us all seem unexceptional and blurs the lines between distinction, I think it shows the connection between humans, between people. I'm sure you can find a dozen other blogs with posts almost identical to mine. And as much as I strive to be unique, almost to the point where I hate myself for it, and as much as it makes me feel defeated to know that what I have to say has already been said, that's just how it is.

We. Are. All. Alike.

We all have things in common. We all feel the same things and we all express the same ideas.

How can that knowledge not make you feel more comfortable, more connected to the human's spiritual network? You're not alone. And just because we have many things in common, just because I feel the same things you feel and say the same things you say, it doesn't mean that we don't make unique choices or have unique experiences. I am my own person. Of this I am sure. But I'm also sure that, when it comes down to it, I'm glad to know that I am not alone.

Yes, I say it with conviction. And this is coming from a pessimist. [I don't know.] Maybe my Optimism Week has gotten to me and this is just the final optimistic thought before I shed the optimism for good. Maybe I'm just in a really good mood right now. Maybe I'm just trying to cheer myself up and delude myself into thinking that I'm not alone, even when I know I am.

Maybe, maybe.

-Haewon

How Does She Know That You Love Her?...

Currently Listening to/Working on:

That's How You Know from Enchanted/ToK Homework

Lately I've been hearing a lot of people make knowledge claims with such conviction, such gusto, such assuredness that they are right. Only to find out five seconds later that they are completely wrong. And it made me curious: how do you know what you know?

I could say, right here right now, I know that it is raining. I can hear it through the window, I can see the rain clouds, I see the wet blades of grass and the puddles with drops splashing in. And it's pretty easy to tell if it's true or not. It's tangible. It's a physical event that people see.

But not all events, physical or not, are so easy to determine. Like in a horse race. You may see Shining Star's nose reach the finish line first. So convinced of it that you stand up and cheer and whoop and holler and dance around yelling "I WON". But then you watch the instant replay, which proves you wrong, and then you sit back down and cough and straighten your tie.

But it's that moment of, "I know it. I'm right. End of discussion" that I don't understand. People say things like they know, like they REALLY know, when the truth is that they don't. It bugs me.

Yes we are all human but, please. Don't be that kid in spanish that says, "no, you're wrong, it's like this...trust me...You're still doing it wrong," only to be proven wrong.

I know this is a lifestyle change, but try questioning your certainty more often. It's hard when you "know" you're right, but just try. You may know the quickest route to get to my house, but maybe you DON'T know and maybe you should just listen to me for once. Jeeze [this hypothetical situation is getting me all in a huff].

So, you think you can dance? [or sing, or act, or jump particularly high, or make a mean grilled cheese].

But how do you know? And how do you know that you know?

I don't know.

I don't.

I do.

I.

-Haewon

P.S. I really like the title song. If you think about the lyrics, all the little things that show someone loves you, I think it really describes what abstract concepts like love and hate are all about. You can't prove you love someone by completing tasks or getting a certificate. Wearing your favorite color just so he can match your eyes, giving you a yellow flower on a gray day, taking you out dancing just so he can hold you close. Those don't prove you love someone, but that's how you know he loves you.

KCLS, You Are My Hero...

Currently Reading:

Film School Confidential [Revised and Updated] by Tom Edgar and Karin Kelly

So, you know how this blog is supposed to be about me trying to navigate the wild jungle of high school and figure out where I want to get into school and what I want to be when I grow up? Well...let's start here...

I'm a junior. I go to a regular, normal public school. Nothing fancy or special about it. Except that it's an AP school, an IB school, and a PRISM school. AP, advanced placement, the basic advanced courses, yadda yadda. PRISM is for the gifted students [aka the brainiacs that, I'm sorry to say, make everyone else feel inferior]. And then IB. If you don't know what it is, you are very lucky. Here's what IB has to say about itself:

The International Baccalaureate® (IB) is a non-profit educational foundation,
motivated by its mission, focused on the student. Our three programmes for students aged 3 to 19 help develop the intellectual, personal, emotional and social skills to live, learn and work in a rapidly globalizing world. Founded in 1968, we currently work with 2,825 schools in 138 countries to develop and offer three challenging programmes to over 778,000 students aged 3 to 19 years.

So, yeah.

For one, I don't like that my school is IB, AP, and PRISM. My school isn't very big (about 1,500 students total) and even though we live in a really good school district [we make Newsweek's top 20 schools in the U.S., which really says nothing except that we take a lot of AP tests...] my school is not large enough and does not have the resources to try to be all three, all at once. My school really pushed to have the PRISM program held at our school. Silly school district.



So anyway, I'm full IB (meaning I'm going for the diploma). It's a two year program that is very rigorous and stressful. I'm taking 7 out of 7 IB/AP classes this year and next year. I have to do 150 hours for CAS (which stands for creativity, action, and service) in which all 150 hours must be completed Junior and Senior year (like I don't already have enough to do). I have to worry about passing all 6 IB exams (if you don't pass one, you don't get the diploma) in all six subject areas (math, science, English, second language, art, and history). I have to work on extended essays and historical investigations and worry about my individual oral presentations and BLAH BLAH BLAH.



So, as you can see. I have a lot on my plate as a Junior. Not to mention being in band and National Honors Society and Green Team and my own service club that I started. I had to even quit The Team in order to juggle it all. Plus I babysit twice a week (okay, a petty complaint. But still).



Basically everything I do is for college. I know that if I work hard now and take the hard classes, I'll be more prepared for college (not to mention that it helps me get INTO college. Yeah, I said it. Everyone joins clubs to look good for college, right?). But it's gettin' a little crazy over here in Haewon Land.



My new thing to calm me down and make me say, "it will all be worth it one day" is to research colleges. It's weird. I know. But it helps me look forward to what's to come after these four (mostly) horrible high school years.



After a stop by the library today (not to mention the past four months that I've been addicted to collegeboard.com), here's my rough, general, probably very hopeful, list:

• Chapman University
• Syracuse University
• New York University
• Columbia University
• Boston University
• American University
• Stanford University
• University of Southern California

Can you tell what major I'm interested in?

No, seriously. Can you?

It's not a set list by any means. I just like to flush out my ideas, roll them around in my head, and feel them on my tongue to help me digest the information. It helps me get a better sense of what I want. If I can be obsessed with anything for more than 6 months, then I know that it's not just an obsession, it's something I should pursue.



Dear College,


I can't wait to meet you. I think we will be good friends. I'm not sure how much we have in common, and I don't know if you will like me, but I hope you will. It's pretty lonely watching the rain pound down on top of Pike Place. Maybe meeting you will be a healthy change of pace for me. Maybe I'll get homesick and cry. But that doesn't scare me. The crying, that is. Because I cry a lot. But also because I know that change is always scary. I just hope that you can be both my friend and my teacher, and that you won't judge me for being a bit extremely awkward and clumsy. I hope that you aren't vain and that the weather is nice where you live. I hope you like to do all the same things I like to do but that you also teach me about your interests.





College, I hope that you will sit with me at lunch and that you will teach me to be confident. I hope you make a difference in my life. And even though you are probably stronger than I am and most definitely older, I hope that I can make a difference in your life too.


Sincerely,

Haewon

A Little Whine and a Moan...

Currently Listening to:

Smile by Lily Allen

Optimism Week is officially over!

Just in time, too, because boy do I want to complain right now.

Why?

Reasons I Want to Complain:
1) Allergy season started. I feel like my eyes, nose, throat, mouth, and ears are dying.
2) My Individual Oral Presentation is tomorrow and I'm seven minutes over the time limit. And to compensate, I will end up cutting things out and then end up with not enough time.
3) We have been doing orals in Spanish all last week and this week. Every day I have to get up and talk in front of people in a language I ain't no good at? WHY. (Señora, no puedo hablar enfrente de la clase hoy porque mi perro comió mi tarea y....sí...)
4) I have to go to a stupid band festival and miss all of Friday which, contrary to popular belief, is NOT GOOD because it takes so friggin' long to make up all the work you miss.
5) I got like, less than fifty percent on a math test. Test. Yes. Not quiz.

Oh, and number 6) is that the title song is stuck in my head. Okay, not a very good complaint. But all that optimism this past week really made me thirsty for some complaining!

I'm sorry. I'm not angry. This whole post sounds angry, doesn't it? I'm not. I think it's just in my blood. Or rather, it's the duty of teenagers to fill the world with complaints. Annoying, isn't it? If you think teenagers are annoying, try BEING one. That sucks even more. (Or if you are one, then you know what I mean. You may not want to hear about all my insignificant problems for an hour straight, but it's not like I want to be stuck in my head all day every day listening to my problems either.)

Suck it up,
-Haewon

P.S. Currently Reading: The Immortal Series by Alyson Noel. I just read book one called "Evermore" and now I'm on to "Blue Moon". I know, I know. It sounds kind of lame. It's on the better end of some of the teen books out there though. It's like the fraternal twin of Twilight. Oddly similar (I wrote eerily similar but it didn't look right and also I don't like typing scary words at night. It scares me.)

P.P.S. I saw Percy Jackson and the Olympians and now want to read The Lightening Thief. I liked the movie a lot! (But I heard people who loved the books weren't so hot on the movie?) Anyway, I have to be up in six hours. Sighhhhh, byeeeeeeee.

P.P.P.S. MY MOM JUST YELLED IN HER SLEEP OH MY GOD THAT SCARED ME SO BADLY. AHHHHHHHHHHSODFHIOAOSSJFWOVN.