Friday, January 10, 2014

I Will Never Stop Being Tired...

I constantly crave excitement, wish I had a more active social life, want to go on an adventure. The thought of living a boring life frightens me to my core. 

And yet, I can't seem to get off my ass. 

I'm constantly tired, recuperating from work and school on my days off and too tired to do anything active after I get off work. I spend my free days sleeping and watching YouTube videos and the thought of changing out of my warm, ugly, comfy pajamas is painful. 

But I'm not always like this. My freshman year of college, my semester abroad in Seoul, I spent all my free time doing something. 

I think being at home, or in a comfortable place, isolates me from the world. I feel like I don't need to be out, creating excitement in my life. And I think it's also the weather and the winter darkness that brings down my body's energy levels.

Winter is always a time of lethargy for me. I suppose it is good that I'll be leaving for Italy in a few weeks. I need the change. I need to give my body and mind a reason to be invigorated. 

I'm excited, and yet....I am starting to get so panicky about leaving for Europe. I've studied abroad before but this time I am going alone. I won't know anyone. My heart is fluttering and I'm getting that sense of fear that I didn't get the first time around. 

Three more weeks...


Shopping for Italy

Today's haul from Pacsun, Nordstrom, and American Eagle (best stretchy jeans ever!).

Bought some clothes for Italy because I hear everyone dresses well there and I have no fashionable clothes.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Being a Bitch Does Not Come Naturally To Me

By nature, I am shy, overly sensitive to other people's causes and feelings, and am a true people pleaser. I can't stand to see injustice or intolerance and I have always, since kindergarten, stood up for the underdog, the weakling. 

But I have found, recently, that I have adopted a new persona, a persona in which I portray myself as a downright bitch.

There are different types of bitches, but the one I come off as is harsh, cutting, sometimes indifferent and always cynical. But I wrap that in humor, and so I have found that people actually appreciate someone willing to say what they were thinking but dared not. They appreciate someone who will say things to shock. 

I don't know why I have been able to adapt to this new image. Perhaps the people pleasing desire realized people sometimes want and need an outspoken, go against the flow friend. Perhaps the sensitive person in me needed to protect herself, and others, but coming off as hardened when in fact, she is not. 

I don't really know. All I know is that it is unnatural for me to be such a bitch. It feels like a performance and I can't say I don't enjoy it. I started acting at age 9 and I think the attention, however shy I may be, feels good. 

It feels really good.