Friday, November 25, 2011

And Yet...

I'm thankful for so much this Thanksgiving. And yet, I can't help but spend ten minutes having the tiniest of tiny pity parties for myself.

This is the first Thanksgiving I've ever been away from home. Going home just wasn't an option for me; the plane tickets were too expensive to fly home from university. So I'm in a completely different state this Thanksgiving break.

I'm really lucky in that my friend from home came up to visit me this break from where she goes to school (same state). It's been really fun seeing someone from home. But if I'm going to be honest (and I think we both know I am), it has been a little weird. Because I can feel, in the smallest way, that things have changed for both of us. It's not bad or awkward, it just is.

But it sort of freaks me out. Are things going to be this drastically different for all of us when we go back home and see each other for the first time? Am I going to regret my decision to take the extended break instead of going back to school for interterm like the rest of my college friends are doing?

I'm starting to think I am going to regret it and that I should have just come back to school for the interterm. Does that mean I'm starting to like my college friends more than my friends back home? I don't know. When I'm here at school, I feel like I have no friends. But I feel like my friends back home are slipping away.

I'm stuck somewhere in the middle with no one to turn to.

You know, it' weird. When I started this blog I thought I'd be documenting my journey from high school to pursuing my dream in college and beyond. But this blog has become very personal in a frighteningly real way. Who knew that making friends, something that was so easy in elementary school, would become my biggest stressor?


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Like Crazy...

"I thought I understood it. But I didn't. I knew the smudgeness of it. The eagerness of it. The idea of it. Of you and me."
-From the movie "Like Crazy" starring Felicity Jones and Anton Yelchin, written by Drake Doremus and Ben York Jones (who graduated from the film school I go to and came for a Q&A after an advanced screening of the film)

If you haven't seen this movie, you should. It's easy, floating, simple love.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I Stumbled Into It...

I stumble upon all of my moments of happiness by chance. The last one was when the fog silently drifted into our neck of the woods and I walked out into it on a whim. A million invisible water droplets pricked my face all at the same time. You wouldn't have seen it if that car hadn't driven by, its lights catching on the mist and throwing streaks of illumination into the shadows.

The moment of happiness hit me when I was doing what I shouldn't have at the end of that dead end street. 

"Let's take a right when this street ends."

"This street doesn't end."

So we kept going forever.

Mom, I'm so excited to come home. I know I haven't told you this, but I miss you just as much as you miss me.

See you soon,


Sunday, November 6, 2011

I'll Be Home for Christmas...

That saying, it's never really meant much to me. As a dependent, you'll ALWAYS be home for Christmas. But being in my first year of college, out of state and unable to see my family until then, Christmas is so much more significant than it ever was before.

Growing up, I was always so excited for Christmas not just because of the presents (even though that's obviously part of it) but because it meant that Mom and Dad got time off from work, we did family outings to the Botanical Garden with all of its' garish, yet magical, lights, and we got to sing carols together in the car ride home from Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family.

This year, it really hits home that I'm not home. Okay, I admit it was a little early to listen to the first Christmas song of the season the day after Halloween. But all of my friends here have been just excited about starting the Christmas festivities in the dorms. Why? I think it's really comforting for all of us, who have been away from home for a while now, to sing the songs that remind us of the holidays and our homes. Yeah, it's a little early to be belting Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" in the car. But it's also our first year sort of being on our own. We're celebrating early with our newfound college families to try to compensate for the absence of our real families. 

At least, that's what I'm telling myself. 

I won't be able to see my family until I fly home for Christmas because it's too costly to fly back home for Thanksgiving. That'll mean almost 4 months without seeing any of them. I'm only a little over half the way until I get to see the fam bam, but I think it's been a good experience. You take for granted having your family and friends so close when you're in high school.

So, Merry early Christmas. Happy early Holidays. Buy Michael Buble's Christmas album for $14 (I did, best purchase of the year), make a gingerbread house, sip hot cocoa....hold off on putting up the Christmas tree for a while...and celebrate Christmas a little early this year.