Monday, September 26, 2011

Out of My Funk...

I'm out of my funk and ready to be back to who I was.
Definitely looking forward to all the opportunities this place has to offer. Since I've been here, I've learned how to write in screenplay format, joined the school TV station, started writing the pilot episode of a scripted series, and met filmmakers in the industry.
Not much to complain about, for sure.

This photo reminds me of the one cloudy day I have experienced thus far in California. Seattle, no more.
So be prepared, ya'll.

Haewon or Bust.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Thursday, September 8, 2011

2 Week Hurdle Drags on to 3...

The first week alone was the worst. When my mom and sister left me that evening during orientation, I was a mess. I cried every night for probably the first week here. And every other day the second week.

My friends who had already started college assured me that the first two weeks are the worst. The 2 week hurdle.

Well, damn. I'm on week 3 now and, while I will admit that it is a bit better than weeks one and two, I am still pretty much a mess. I try to go out of my comfort zone and meet people, I really do. But there's something to be said about going from the laid back Northwest lifestyle to Orange County. The people aren't friendly or relatable, the weather is blaring and burning, not warm and inviting, and there aren't even any good indie rock music stations.

Not gonna lie, my second week here I was already looking into transferring back home. How could I stay in this place? I kept thinking. This place is making me miserable and I haven't met people that I even like in the slightest.

It's nerve-wracking. Groups are already starting to form and here I am, feeling like a complete outsider and outlier. How come THOSE people seem so happy? How come THEY are making friends so easily? My way of thinking automatically separates me from my peers. "They" and "them" is how I feel. "We" and "us" is how I want to feel.

Once I started talking with other people about being homesick and feeling like a toad among swans, I started realizing I'm not the only one. Other people are feeling the same way I'm feeling. I'm actually not alone even though I feel like I am.

The glaring difference is, everyone puts on a pretty damn good act of feeling confident. My awkwardness is written all over my face. So in my eyes, it doesn't matter if everyone else feels the exact same way I do, because they are putting on bitchy and cocky masks and pushing through with their good looks while I have no act.

It's a weird first start. I wanted to love it here so badly. But instead I'm just enduring, day to day. And uncomfortably so.

If I were religious, I'd be questioning God' plan for me. But I'm not, so instead I'm just wondering if I made the right choice to be here.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

The First Step is Always the Hardest...

I wasn't confident coming to college. Not by any means. But I wish I had braced myself a little more for what I would find in Southern California.

Not sure if it's the heat, or the constant sunshine, or the palm trees that are starting to look a little stupid, or the people who are overly in-your-face confident that is getting to me. I show up like, "Hey! I'm from Seattle and I like coffee and Birkenstocks!" and they respond with a reproachful look and I'm still enthusiastic so I say "I'm a foodie and like indie rock and driving slowly!" and they turn their bleach blond heads away from me and my confidence takes a huge dive and then I cry.

I don't know what I was expecting once I got here. I was expecting something magnificent though. Something that would totally turn me on to film, even more so than I already am. This was my first choice dream school after all. But I show up here all bright eyed and bushy tailed only to be instantly deflated by the style of my film classes.

Am I not cut out for this? Is this not my calling after all?

I feel like I'm letting myself and everyone else down when I say this, but,

I'm ready to go home.

My dreams crumbled down around me so quickly...