Thursday, January 2, 2014

Being a Bitch Does Not Come Naturally To Me

By nature, I am shy, overly sensitive to other people's causes and feelings, and am a true people pleaser. I can't stand to see injustice or intolerance and I have always, since kindergarten, stood up for the underdog, the weakling. 

But I have found, recently, that I have adopted a new persona, a persona in which I portray myself as a downright bitch.

There are different types of bitches, but the one I come off as is harsh, cutting, sometimes indifferent and always cynical. But I wrap that in humor, and so I have found that people actually appreciate someone willing to say what they were thinking but dared not. They appreciate someone who will say things to shock. 

I don't know why I have been able to adapt to this new image. Perhaps the people pleasing desire realized people sometimes want and need an outspoken, go against the flow friend. Perhaps the sensitive person in me needed to protect herself, and others, but coming off as hardened when in fact, she is not. 

I don't really know. All I know is that it is unnatural for me to be such a bitch. It feels like a performance and I can't say I don't enjoy it. I started acting at age 9 and I think the attention, however shy I may be, feels good. 

It feels really good. 

-A

4 comments:

  1. So I know you have no clue who I am. You are the first blog that I am reading that I do not personally know. I will tell you just a little bit about myself at this time. My name is Sarah and I am 17 years old and I live in Missouri.
    I can't tell you how much this post reminds me of how I feel. I feel the exactly same way. I was never one to have a lot of friends and I was always the butt of everyone's joke because I was so much different then them. I moved to a different town two years ago and since then I have been the bitch out of my friends. Sometimes it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I was never made fun of, that I was never scared, it makes me feel like I am the bigger person like I have all the power in the world. But instead of being the bigger person it makes me the loser. I don't know when I started and I don't know how to stop.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I love having a dialogue and hearing that people can relate. Sometimes I write and wonder if any of my readers are connecting with what I'm saying.

      In response to your comment, I think we become different people at different stages of our life. The overly sensitive version of myself at 11 became the social butterfly at 14, the cynic at 18, and the dazed and confused at 20. I grew out of a lot of poor qualities and grew into a lot of new ones. Life changes, circumstances change, and then we, too, change. Some phases are better than others but it's nice to experience all the facets of your personality.

      Hope to hear from you again!

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  2. I really loved your reply to what Sarah Morad had to say. True , Life changes and infact change is the only constant. I loved your blogpost. #True , in this world , nobody is truer than you never forget that and lose your individuality.
    web : www.youaremessedup.blogspot.com :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting, it means so much! I am heading over to check out your blog :)

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