As I sit here in the library at University, looking over my shoulder at the empty chair behind me, I can't help but wonder when everything stops feeling like a change and starts being normal.
Unlike some people, I didn't choose to go to school out of state because I wanted to escape home. No. I chose the school that would best prepare me for that career I want (film/TV, in case you are wondering), but I was completely bummed about having to leave Seattle and my friends and family. I was excited for the opportunities, and I still am, but that's about it.
I've been here a little over three months now and nothing feels right yet.
I had this heart-to-heart with the one person I would actually consider my friend here. We told each other 'you're my only true friend here'. We agreed with that and drove 45 minutes to the sand and stars and didn't get home until midnight and talked in the car about life and everything that's wrong with it.
But it freaked me out, that he felt that way too. Because I see him with other people and I see that he has other friends too, not just me. I may be his best friend here but I'm dispensable. But all I have is him.
I got scared. About...everything? And I caused this riff between us. And he bounced off to someone else who may not have as much as common with him as I do, but they'll do. And I spent the day alone. Miserable. In this library with the empty seat behind me and bright lights designed to keep me from sleeping and forgetting everything.
When it's time to go home and forget, I will be so excited. But I can't deny the fact that I need to break off from the life I've formed in these three months I've been here and start anew. Another beginning. Another change. The hardest part never ends.
-A
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