When I Grow Up...

Currently Listening to:


When I Grow Up by The Pussycat Dolls

"When I grow up I wanna be famous,
I wanna be a star,
I wanna be in movies."

Okay, let me start off by saying, No, I don't want to grow up and be famous and a star and in movies (not exactly, anyway). The reason this song has been on my mind lately is because of this blog and my quest to find out who I am and who I will be.

While The Pussycat Dolls might not be striving towards the most sound goal (just saying you want to be famous isn't exactly a well thought out goal), I really admire what their song is saying.
"And I promised myself I'd do anything, anything at all for them to notice me."

Hidden in this sort of trashy¹, annoying song is something I can really relate to because when I commit myself to something, I go full out and pour my soul into all that I do. I tend to leave myself really vulnerable in situations where my drive is running through my veins because I invest everything I have into it. Having the determination and the will and the passion to achieve your goal and committing yourself wholly to it is really admirable. Especially because, unlike The Pussycat Dolls, I don't know what I want and seeing people who seem to already have themselves figured out is awesome to me.

Listening to this song over and over has made me realize something. I'm not as lackluster as I always make myself out to be. I have a lot of interests and, although rarely, I will sometimes find myself so excited to be doing something that I suddenly want to break out into song and dance ². I guess that's how the Pussycat Dolls feel when they are performing, they are so happy that they literally sing and dance out their happiness and gratitude on stage.

I think the key to me figuring out what I want to do when I grow up is to figure out what makes me experience those natural highs, to figure out what causes me to feel like I'm floating blissfully through the Milky Way. And if I can figure that out, then I will have a good start at figuring out my future. I hope.

_________________________________________


In my English class we are preparing to read "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse. To understand a little bit more about Hesse and Buddhism and some of the key elements embedded in the novel, we were assigned a group project. Our group is to present on the life of Buddha. And for our creative element I suggested we make a video. We filmed for a couple hours on Saturday and finished today at school. So, as the "director" of the video, I recorded and am editing all the footage. I love it so much. I love the creative aspect of it-it stimulates my mind in a way that I actually appreciate and enjoy-and I love the leadership role that I get to assume.

I've made videos before, just with my friends and my brother. Nothing amazing, but "practice makes perfect". Planning and filming and designing and editing and viewing the movie bring me a lot of childlike enthusiasm that I really hadn't felt for a long time (which is sad being that I'm only 17).

I'm not saying I am the next Spielberg or Hitchcock but film is something that has really caught my interest in the past couple years. I have no experience, no real knowledge of film, but I do have passion. And even if you don't know it, I know that I can do almost anything I dedicate myself to.

So maybe this is a good start? Maybe I will be a filmmaker?

That's one possibility, but the possibilities are endless.

"Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it."


-Haewon


¹: for lack of a better word...I'm sorry!
² : probably "We're All in this Together" from High School Musical

This May Call for a Proper Introduction...

Currently Listening to:

The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage by Panic! at the Disco

Ahh, Junior Year. Nice to finally meet you!

Up until now, Junior year hadn't seemed like it was going to be so bad. I went into it nervous and cautious, yet prepared and hopeful. And then when it started I thought, "Hey, you know what? I think I can do this." Of course there were the occasional late nights of calculus homework, the days that seemed to stretch on and on and onnnnnnnnnn, having to watch Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth for the third time in two years. It wasn't the most exciting year, for sure. But it wasn't really abnormally or unexpectedly hard either. I had been warned, we ALL had been warned, that Junior year was the toughest year. But it wasn't until this week that I found out just how right they were.

U.S. History midterms, Spanish exams on the subjunctive, Calculus tests about inverse trigonometric functions!? Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

I am definitely starting to become overwhelmed. There are only so many times I can slip up before I'm branded as a slacker. It's scary. It's scary because I'm not a slacker. It hurts when your best work is suddenly not good enough and it's nerve-racking to feel like you are too overwhelmed to fix it.

And that's where I am. I know I can do it, I know that it will all turn out okay. I am positive that I am doing my best to balance my life but I am also certain that I have a lot on my plate. I started a new service club this year to help the local homeless community, I am in a full IB/AP schedule, I play musical instruments, I am in several other clubs, and I have to complete a billion hours of community service.

Okay, okay. I know. Stop complaining. I have more things to be thankful about than I can even comprehend. But that doesn't mean that I am not also a very stressed out person.

Every high school junior and senior feels the pressure to be college material. There is a lot to think about: what classes should I be taking, and how many AP/IB classes do I need to be in, and what clubs should I join, and should I volunteer more than I already do? Those are the questions we are all asking. Each and every one of us, including myself. But are we asking the wrong questions?

I think we are.

We should be asking things like, who cares? What colleges do I like the best? Where do I belong? What is best for me? Basically: me, me, me!

Yes, I am saying we should be selfish once in a while. Especially when it comes to our own happiness and well-being. I'm no shrink, but it makes sense. While it's nice to get advice from those you trust, you need to do what your gut is telling you. College, just one of many major events we will go through, is going to be something that affects you for the rest of your life. It won't define you, of course. But it will have some impact, big or small, on your life. It's our job to figure out what will make us happy, not what will make everyoneelsebutme happy.

So, what is my gut telling me? It's telling me that my stress is a sign that I care. I care so much about school and learning that it's making me go crazy. I need to take a small step back (or maybe a large leap) and assess my situation. Maybe I am taking on too much at once in terms of classes and clubs, maybe I need to time manage more efficiently, maybe I need to stop sleeping and start studying! (Well, no. Not that. That would be a bad solution considering that I am no vampire.)

Whatever problem I have, there is a solution. And whatever solution I have can be achieved. A problem is a problem but the size of the problem is really up to you.

it. is. up. to. you.


-Haewon

P.S. Happy Veterans Day!
Please take some time out of your day to honor the Veterans. Even just googling the topic and educating yourself a bit is good :)

P.P.S. It is so late right now and I probably should not have written such a scatterbrained post but there it is. My 2 a.m. ramblings. Do you ever get those? I apparently do!

What a Beautiful Mess this is...

Currently listening to:

A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz


Ahh, the blog world. I will welcome myself to it.

Welcome!

Blogging is so new age and innovative and...utterly normal (apparently). I never really paid any attention to the blogging world until recently. I'm not sure what exactly made me pay attention to it. Maybe it was the article on fashion blogs that ran in the November 2009 issue of Teen Vogue. The caption of the article said: "Who's that girl? Street-style blogs are turning chic real girls into fashion's next big stars."

And I thought to myself, "Huh, wow. That is pretty cool. Passionate yet totally normal girls are making themselves heard, and through blogging nonetheless." So, I started my own blog.

Am I looking to be "fashion's next big star"? No. Am I looking to be a big star? No. Am I looking to go into fashion?! No. Well truthfully, I don't know. Like most people, I don't really know what I want in life. I don't know what I want to do in terms of a career, classes I'm going to take Senior year, or even if I want to bring lunch to school tomorrow.

But it's okay (...at least for now) to not know what I want to do. I'm only 17. I have a little bit more time to figure out what I want. But I eventually¹ have to figure it out , right?

Right.

At least that's what I think. I tend to change my mind a lot. But for now, at this moment that my fingers are tap tap tapping away on the keyboard, I know that I want to figure things out.

So this blog, this anonymous yet very public method of experiencing self-realization is commencing. Right here, right now. This very moment is where I start on my high school journey to figuring out who I am. What college am I going to go to? What do I want to major in? How do I write an essay telling you who I am when I don't even know who I am?!"

This blog will be the record of my natural attempt to figure things out.

Who am I?

• I am a high school Junior. I am Haewon.


• I love: getting lost in reading, writing until I fall asleep and my head bangs the keyboard, everything about the magical world of filmmaking, sleeping in my own bed, listening to the harsh rain, breathing in the cool Seattle air, pouring through fashion magazines, letting music dictate my mood, playing my lovely clarinet and guitar, holding an in depth conversation, attempting anything new, keeping myself awake at night, living in my own world, singing like I'm Christina Aguilera, dancing with no rhythm, being in empty school hallways, shaking people's hands...


• I live and love Seattle


• I don't know who I am. But I think that is exciting in some very intimidating way.

My life may be a mess, but it's a beautiful mess.

-Haewon

¹ : eventually meaning "sooner rather than later", "within the next few years", "hurry up and get your act together!"