When I Grow Up...

Currently Listening to:


When I Grow Up by The Pussycat Dolls

"When I grow up I wanna be famous,
I wanna be a star,
I wanna be in movies."

Okay, let me start off by saying, No, I don't want to grow up and be famous and a star and in movies (not exactly, anyway). The reason this song has been on my mind lately is because of this blog and my quest to find out who I am and who I will be.

While The Pussycat Dolls might not be striving towards the most sound goal (just saying you want to be famous isn't exactly a well thought out goal), I really admire what their song is saying.
"And I promised myself I'd do anything, anything at all for them to notice me."

Hidden in this sort of trashy¹, annoying song is something I can really relate to because when I commit myself to something, I go full out and pour my soul into all that I do. I tend to leave myself really vulnerable in situations where my drive is running through my veins because I invest everything I have into it. Having the determination and the will and the passion to achieve your goal and committing yourself wholly to it is really admirable. Especially because, unlike The Pussycat Dolls, I don't know what I want and seeing people who seem to already have themselves figured out is awesome to me.

Listening to this song over and over has made me realize something. I'm not as lackluster as I always make myself out to be. I have a lot of interests and, although rarely, I will sometimes find myself so excited to be doing something that I suddenly want to break out into song and dance ². I guess that's how the Pussycat Dolls feel when they are performing, they are so happy that they literally sing and dance out their happiness and gratitude on stage.

I think the key to me figuring out what I want to do when I grow up is to figure out what makes me experience those natural highs, to figure out what causes me to feel like I'm floating blissfully through the Milky Way. And if I can figure that out, then I will have a good start at figuring out my future. I hope.

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In my English class we are preparing to read "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse. To understand a little bit more about Hesse and Buddhism and some of the key elements embedded in the novel, we were assigned a group project. Our group is to present on the life of Buddha. And for our creative element I suggested we make a video. We filmed for a couple hours on Saturday and finished today at school. So, as the "director" of the video, I recorded and am editing all the footage. I love it so much. I love the creative aspect of it-it stimulates my mind in a way that I actually appreciate and enjoy-and I love the leadership role that I get to assume.

I've made videos before, just with my friends and my brother. Nothing amazing, but "practice makes perfect". Planning and filming and designing and editing and viewing the movie bring me a lot of childlike enthusiasm that I really hadn't felt for a long time (which is sad being that I'm only 17).

I'm not saying I am the next Spielberg or Hitchcock but film is something that has really caught my interest in the past couple years. I have no experience, no real knowledge of film, but I do have passion. And even if you don't know it, I know that I can do almost anything I dedicate myself to.

So maybe this is a good start? Maybe I will be a filmmaker?

That's one possibility, but the possibilities are endless.

"Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it."


-Haewon


¹: for lack of a better word...I'm sorry!
² : probably "We're All in this Together" from High School Musical